Lunch: Frederick Coffee Company – Order the Nova Lox. Tell them to replace the cream cheese with hummus and the bagel with rye toast.
Dear my favorite supermarket who shall not be named,
I need to ask you a favor. We’ve been together for what? 2 years now? I think our relationship is strong enough to survive a small note of criticism. I’m with you a lot. As a matter of fact, I spend so much time wandering your aisles and eating your samples I will probably get a W-2 next year from headquarters. You ask me if I have found everything I was looking for, which I probably haven’t but I say yes anyway because at that moment, I need to be somewhere. I give you money, and take your inventory away. I then gladly consume the inventory. It works. So can I just ask this one favor? Can you not send me a coupon booklet that I can’t use for the next two weeks? Do you really think two weeks from now I am going to not only remember that I have these coupons, but that they would even make it inside the pit of despair that I call a purse? I have a dinner receipt from a taxidermy-filled restaurant on an alligator swamp in Jacksonville from 2011, still floating around in there somewhere, and I am supposed to remember to not only bring coupons to your store, but then find them in my purse while kids are trying to hustle me for gum? Short of me tattooing barcodes on my neck, I will never remember these coupons! Do you have any idea how many dittos, papers, order forms for pictures (because apparently the schools need to do them twice a year now), and junk mail I get a day? It’s a staggering sight and I just can’t keep up. There is this thing called the “Thursday Folder”, that can sometimes send sane and rational women screaming into the woods because of the enormity of information they need to process and store in their overwhelmed brains.
So here’s what I’m thinking. Just give me a discount. . Is it really necessary to put me through the extra steps of couponing? You know I’m loyal. I rarely cheat on you, and I only cheat on weekends, when you look so busy, I know you won’t have time for me and all the samples are either gone or not hot yet, so don’t even give me that attitude. And don’t think that I don’t know that when I swipe my loyalty card and get money off, and you want me to think it’s something special when it isn’t. If my mother shows up from Long Island and you ask her if she has a card, don’t you happily swipe one of yours when she doesn’t? It cheapens my loyalty, our relationship, and hurts, because then it’s true that the discount wasn’t that special, and was really just the actual price you were going to charge anyone! ANYONE!! Ok. I’m starting to get upset here. I don’t mean to lash out. This is the plan moving forward, because I want this relationship to work. If I spend over $100 dollars, give me an extra 5% discount off the bill. $200? Give me an extra 10%. IS THAT SO DIFFICULT????
You know what, let’s talk when we are both calmer, I have had something to eat, you have restocked the olive bar, and I’ll come by and see you.
Ok, Thanks. I’ll see you in 20 minutes.
Next up , a vegan recipe and a bit of advice about clean eating for you and your family.