Mother’s Day Advice for Married Men: How Not to Screw Up and Be Miserable Until Memorial Day
Guest post written by Lia Seltzer
Ah, Mother’s Day advice!
It’s a pickle.
It really is, but I am here to help.
I know you’re here to get Mother’s Day advice on what women want.
So the first question is, why can’t you get it right?
Well, because it’s complicated, yes complicated.
Because it’s not a birthday, when that one person gets the attention.
And, it is not an anniversary, when you both can celebrate your love.
See, there are multiple moms in your life.
There’s the woman who gave birth to your children, and then if you are lucky enough, the woman who gave birth to you!
Then you have to think, are you close enough to your sister-in-law to feel obligated to get her something?
Do you call your sister even though her kids shot you in the nuts with a Nerf gun the last time you saw them?
Too many moms – one day to make them all happy.
Well, here’s some Mother’s Day advice to get you through the day:
1. She Just Wants to Be with You and the Kids
If your wife says she doesn’t mind spending the day with your mom, here’s one piece of Mother’s Day advice: She’s Lying.
That ship has sailed.
You made the macaroni picture frame 40 years ago, get over it.
If you think that she wants to see her sister-in-law, you are really clueless and should surrender your driver’s license.
She wants to be with you and the children.
Let me say that again, you and the children.
2. Don’t Expect Her to Cook
If by some bizarre rip in the cosmos, your wife actually and genuinely wants to spend time with your extended family, here’s another piece of Mother’s Day advice you need to know: NO POT LUCK!
If you think your wife wants to cook a dish, and then set it next to a dish made by another woman who is also supposed to be celebrating *her* special day, then you really should step away from the internet before you spread the stupid virus around the world.
As a matter of fact, to be on the safe side, get some “Do Not Cross” yellow tape and tape off the kitchen entirely.
She doesn’t want to cook.
She doesn’t even want to decide what she wants to eat.
Which leads us to tip #3.
3. Stop Asking Her What She Wants to Do
YOU need to decide what to do.
I know, this Mother’s Day advice is getting complicated, but stay with me.
Women make 3 times the decisions you do each day.
They project into the future, assess the fabric of the emotional stability of the family, they budget, schedule and then regroup.
It’s the way they are, and you can’t change or compete with that.
So for one day out of the year, make the decisions.
All of the pressure is on you, but you only have a few decisions to make.
It’s a Sunday.
Banks are closed, kids are home from school, and the restaurants will be open.
Plan accordingly (you should have made reservations last month).
For tip # 4 you’ll need to take a breath, because here is the kicker:
4. She Doesn’t Want You to Spend a Lot of Money
So now you need to be creative.
However, I do not recommend cooking for her.
She may be in the other room, but she will be listening and looking over your shoulder by feeling the vibrations in the room bounce off the walls like a bat, and you will feel that pressure which will lead to you slamming something and she will get upset and want to take over.
It’s a proven fact.
Take out is always an option.
5. Take Her to Brunch
See our list of the Best Brunch Restaurants in Frederick!
Brunch may be pricey, but might be the ace in the hole, and the winning Mother’s Day advice that will get you the goodwill you will need for when you act like a fool on Memorial Day weekend.
A brunch serving establishment is a mystical place, like Narnia with mimosas, that women from Frederick dream about longingly.
Women who go to brunch are usually doing it as a work related event, and they aren’t enjoying the actual mystical properties of a proper brunch.
Proper brunch options include being picked up by a unicorn, flying high over the rooftops.
When your wife crosses the threshold, and is handed an early afternoon-approved alcoholic beverage, you my friend, will be on your way!
Food at brunch can be an endless rainbow of opportunities.
It can have eggs, gravy, and dinner-like food options served in miniature sizes made by woodland creatures.
It can be a confusing and troubling scene for you, but take heart, she will love it.
My first and only Mother’s Day brunch experience, was in 1980, when my father took us all to brunch at the Russian Tea Room in Manhattan.
It was a simple, elegant gesture.
He sat there looking at the brunch options, and the prices of these offerings.
He paused, peered over the top of the menu, looking 15 years older, and whispered in a child-like voice, “Can I just get 2 fried eggs and some home fries?”
In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have ordered the lobster.
6. Remember this and you will be fine
All moms want is to see their family happy.
Relax, don’t get crazy and hire Thor to deliver flowers or take her on an exhausting walking tour of Baltimore.
She is with you, because for some strange reason, she likes you.
Take that to heart, and show her that you still like her too.
Life is so hectic for her, that might be the one reminder she needs to make her day the best yet.
You can handle it.
And since brunch is your best bet, check out this Yahoo article on 33 Mother’s Day Brunch Decor Ideas That Will Make Mama Proud.
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you beautiful moms.
You make the world go around.